Learning to Choose

Last night my 7-year-old Isaac played his last little league baseball game of the spring, which was immediately followed by a pizza party and trophy 'ceremony'.  I poured soda in red Solo cups for the children who had waited in line.  My 9-year-old daughter, Alayna, finally came to the table, a paper plate of pizza already in one hand.  I asked her what soda she wanted.  She scanned her choices--Squirt, Mug Root Beer, Mountain Dew, and Pepsi.  She asked if she could have the Pepsi, and I poured her a half cup.

At home later in the evening, as Alayna was getting ready for bed, she asked me, "Mom, why did you let me have the Pepsi?"

Here's where it can get tricky, the issue among the LDS people consuming caffeine.  I know there's a broad spectrum of habits out there--some members see caffeine as bad as beer, others consume it regularly.  I do not fret at all over other people's caffeine consumption;  I don't care who you are and if you drink Coke, Pepsi, Mtn Dew, or Dr Pepper.  I, personally, don't drink soda very often at all.  Once, perhaps twice a month, if I'm at a gathering where it's served.  I rarely purchase it.  And I encourage my children to have healthier drinks when possible.  But I don't get bent out of shape if there's soda around and if my kids drink it. But if I have a choice of sodas, I usually won't select a caffeinated one (for other personal reasons beyond "church" ones).

Going back to Alayna asking for the Pepsi after the baseball game.  I did, for a split second, consider saying, "No, we don't drink that."  But she knows what I think about caffeine and she knows Pepsi has caffeine in it, and I thought this was an instance where I should give my daughter the choice.  None of the choices on the table were forbidden to her, so I let her pick.  She's nine, certainly big enough to choose her own beverage.

Now, back to her question at bedtime, "Why?"  I bet in her head she was wondering what happened to Mom's brain, letting something like this happen.  I answered her. "Alayna, I won't always be there to choose for you, or to help you make a choice.  You've got to learn to do that on your own.  So, I let you choose tonight."  Her eyes lit up.  She immediately understood a couple things:   first, that I had enough respect for her that I gave her the power to choose, and second, I would honor the choice she made.  She knows my thoughts and opinions, but she had to choose for herself, not for me.

I will not always be there for her.  She'll grow up, her social life will expand.  She'll see less and less of me as she grows up and discovers who she is.  Although it's one of my worst nightmares, she will probably be offered drugs and alcohol at some point in her life, as well as other dangerous ventures I can't wrap my mind around.  If I don't give my children the opportunity to practice making choices, to discern their own minds and their own wants, they might not know how or have the courage to make the right choices for themselves when I'm not around to hold their hand.

Agency is a powerful thing.  I know that I am not the one who gave my daughter her agency.  It's a gift from our Heavenly Father to each and every one of us to choose wrong or right, darkness or light.  But I don't want to get too deep into a big theological discussion here.

I'm writing this for myself, and I'm sharing it with you.  I learned something about myself as a parent, as well as something about Alayna as an individual. I want her to grow up being her own self, and choosing her path not because it's what Mom and Dad want, but because she wants it for herself.

I called this post "Learning to Choose," but now I'm wondering who is learning more--my children, or me?